• Was Ben Franklin a Big Jerk? (Or, How to Give Feedback and Opinions)
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    Comment/s

Posted on July 19, 2011 by Dave Crenshaw
Do you know someone who consistently rubs people the wrong way? You know who I’m talking about: the people who don’t just disagree with others, but who are also disagreeable when they do it! Ben Franklin taught me a great lesson in his autobiography about how to be a more agreeable person. In this brief video, I share Ben’s lesson, a couple of tips you can put to use immediately, and even a simple group activity you can try in your next company meeting. Action Steps:
  1. Watch this video and ask yourself: “Do I speak in terms of ‘absolutes’ when I share my opinion or give feedback to others?”
  2. The next time you share your opinion or give feedback, try using softening words like perhaps, could be, or maybe.
  3. The next time you share your opinion, try following with a question to learn the other person’s perspective.
  4. In an upcoming group meeting, practice the Ben Franklin exercise:
    1. Take turns in a circle
    2. Say something obvious to the next person, but use softening words or a question (i.e. “It seems to me that you’re wearing a gray shirt today.”)
  5. Share your perspective or ask questions on this page
Principles to Learn:
  1. When you share your opinion in terms of absolute, forceful language, it makes people less likely to listen to you and view you as a friend.
  2. By sharing your opinion using softening words, you let the other person interpret for themselves and consider your perspective.
  3. By following your opinion with a question asking others theirs,  you tell them that you value their perspective and you’re open to what they have to say.
  4. Softening words and questions keep discussions on a positive, constructive tone.
This post was sponsored by Dave Crenshaw Keynote Speeches and Workshops. If you are interested in having Dave Crenshaw as an enlightening and fun speaker for your event, visit http://www.InvaluableInc.com/event  
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  • Jim Rodante

     This is absolutely true. I’ve noticed how much more friendly any conversation can be when you’re not absolute in your opinions & comments. In “How to Win Friends…” by Dale Carnegie, he talks at length about this very principle. It really does work wonders and makes everyone much more pleasant to deal with.

    And if we’re honest with ourselves, there’s not a whole lot that we are “absolute” about anyway. Was it Thomas Edison (or some other famous person) who said, “we don’t know one millionth of one percent of anything…”?

    Nice post Dave!

    Jim Rodante

    • http://www.DaveCrenshaw.com Dave Crenshaw

      Thanks for the comment, Jim.  Well put.

  • Waldo

    Dave,
    Great little clip with powerful content.  It was extremely appropriate considering a communication challenge I am mediating between two people in a mastermind group I belong to.  Lots of lessons here. I will pass it on.

    Keep pushing it up bro!
    Waldo Waldman
    Your Wingman

    • http://www.DaveCrenshaw.com Dave Crenshaw

      You rock, Waldo. It means a lot to me that you took a moment to comment.

      Here’s the link to Waldo’s book, Never Fly Solo, which I highly recommend: http://t.co/9Ff9NML

  • Itaniegra

    Nice video Dave. I agree that when we use  softening words, our  tone becomes more pleasant  and less imposing on other people’s opinion.
    So, maybe I should pass this to friends so that they too will know.
     (don’t you have emoticons here?) 

    Irene 

    • http://www.DaveCrenshaw.com Dave Crenshaw

      Thanks, Irene. “Good manners are made up of small sacrifices.” Ralph Waldo Emerson.

      Disqus doesn’t support emoticon pictures, but you’re always welcome to make your own. ;-)

  • http://twitter.com/NannyIlovetobe Olivia Tornai

    Growing up as a child I didn’t have a voice in my family. As a teenager I became very opinionated. My poor mother didn’t have a chance with me. It was soo important to me being right. Until I learned that opinions are just that, opinions. My beliefs. And often they can be false. Only through growing and learning I came to the conclusion that I can have an opinion, feel strongly about something and the other person can have another opinion also feeling strongly about it, It is not a contest who is right and who is wrong. It is being respectful. To myself and others. To make it OK if someone has a different opinion. I still can keep mine.

    I love your suggestions how to be more respectful and kinder when another person has a different opinion. We can learn from each other when we stay open to learning.

    • http://www.DaveCrenshaw.com Dave Crenshaw

      Thank you so much for sharing your personal story, Olivia!

  • http://www.eveoutofthegarden.com Deilahtaylor

    Great video, one of my favorite Ben Franklin stories, and a fav. autobiography. and good update on the words to use, more fitting for out time. I think Ben said “I conceive, or I apprehend a thing to be so and so… I like your words, perhaps, could be, maybe.  It’s hard not to use the absolutes.

    • http://www.DaveCrenshaw.com Dave Crenshaw

      You’re right. I believe if you now said “I apprehend the greatest basketball player of all time to be Michael Jordan,” you might get some strange looks. :-)

  • Andy Kaufman, PMP

    Great tips, Dave. On assessments like the Social Styles or DISC I often come out in the Amiable/Expressive or S/I quadrants. Some of this word softening comes natural.  One of the toughest bosses I ever worked for was a rather extreme Driver personality. I found that my tentative language could be interpreted as weak by her. So I wonder if there’s a place in this teaching for knowing when to be soft and when to be more emphatic? It would seem to be situational and learning how to adapt accordingly would be helpful. Your thoughts?

    • http://www.DaveCrenshaw.com Dave Crenshaw

      Sure, I’m very familiar with that. (Incidentally I’m D/I.) So, speaking from that “Driver” mentality, what frustrates me the most is when someone takes too long and is not clear with their perspective. :-)

      I don’t believe adding in a few softening words or asking questions will lose you points with any personality. It simply shows respect. However, if you tiptoe around the issue, speak in circles, are vague about your opinion, and are TIMID about saying it, yes, there are certain personaility types that will be put out and take it as weakness.

      To me, there’s a difference between being direct (getting to the point) and being absolute (there’s no room for anyone else’s opinion).

      I agree with you. This highlights that there is a great benefit that comes from learning about various personality types. Thanks for bringing that up and giving me a chance to get it more clear in my own mind! Thanks, Andy!

  • Meggin McIntosh

    Hi, Dave.  I always love your videos.  Here’s what is interesting  me.  In so many cases, this is how women speak naturally and in fact, we often have to “unsoften” our language to be taken more seriously.  Putting “tag questions” on the end of what we say lessens our impact.  We all need to be VERY aware of our language and what our overall intent is.  If we aren’t meeting our intended outcome, then we need to take a good look at what might have been the impediment.  Perhaps :)  

    Meggin

    Meggin McIntosh, Ph.D.
    http://www.meggin.com

    • http://www.DaveCrenshaw.com Dave Crenshaw

      And I always love your feedback, Meggin! Thanks for taking the time to share.

      The interesting thing about your comment is that the vast majority (over 90%) of my CEO coaching clients are women… and so are most of their employees. :-) So, while I certainly can’t speak for the gender, I can speak from experience. It seems to me that most of the women I’ve worked with can benefit from the Ben Franklin principle… and they’ve often admitted as much to me.

      P.S. It could be an “industry” thing. While I’m mostly speaking to business, you’re mostly speaking to academic, am I right?

  • Anonymous

    Hey, Dave, great video here.  I just had a meeting TODAY with two business partners, and one of the biggest points of the meeting was the “tone” of communication with prospects, clients, sales reps, and with each other within the company.  We were discussing how the #1 feedback we’ve been receiving is the “tone” of our communication, whether it’s in person, on the phone, or via email.  It’s very interesting to see how some people can be completely one way in person, and another way through email.  This video gave us solid examples and tips as to how we can continue to improve our communication with others.

    Thank you very much.
    Dr. Andrew Colyer

    • http://www.DaveCrenshaw.com Dave Crenshaw

      Awesome. Great timing! Glad you could put it to immediate use. Thanks, Andrew.